This is how an angel dies

Anxiety – I have it.
Anxiety – I hate it.
Anxiety – I wish more people understood it.
Mental Illness. I am sorry that you can’t see that I am sick. It doesn’t make it less valid.
You can’t see inside my head the horrendous lies my anxiety tells me.
I can exercise my way out of my depression and into an attention span I figured out.
I can’t out run lies my anxiety feeds me.
What if this person only wants to have lunch with me to stand me up.
Your not loosing weight, the scale broke.
You will never be good enough for your parents.
No one will hire you.
Youre not attractive, its a lie.

That crap, in my head, all the time.

I feel lie somedays I should go and get meds for it. others, I feel like its just another part of my daily life and I can deal.

Its hard when I try and talk about it, because telling a person, “I have this anxiety about this regarding you.” I get looked at, it makes people uncomfortable.

Why is mental health still so taboo?


The Spoon Theory – My spoons

The Spoon Theory, original post

I have an invisible illness. I dont ‘LOOK’ sick. But I am. I can function fairly well off of medications, and I have for almost 3 years now. Recently though, I have decided to go back onto them and I am trying to find a new dr in a new town (that is an ENTIRELY different post).

I HAVE to have at least 10 hours of sleep, if I can have 12, I am better off. This isnt much of an option, not getting that cuts my ‘spoons’ short. I dont go out and party or stay out late because of this. I am at home, reading usually.

My Anxiety, is cruel, and if I push it too far and keep doing things that make me anxious? I will work myself into a full blown attack.

My Depression will flare up at the most inconveint times as well. And it comes from pushing my self to hard, and insisting i keep going even though my body clearly says NO.

Anxiety and Depression are the ways that my illness shows through most often. Well, at least the ways that I know I have over done myself, I dont know about what others see first, ask them.

This past week and into the weekend, I tried my hardest to twist, bend, stretch and melt a metal spoon.

I came home monday to a clean home, who my wonderful family had cleaned for me so I could rest. I have undying affection for small things such as this. They bought food to feed us, so i didnt feel like I had to cook. Today, I was able to rest and do not much. At the end of this day, I feel rested and I can do the rest of the week.

When you see someone who is just a little more stressed then normal, or has an illness you cant see, it doesnt mean it is less real. You just cant see it on the outside. I promise you if you saw me sunday evening, you would have ‘gotten it’.

Catching you up on the past few months of life

Back when I started this blog, oh you know, back in january, It was to document my ‘neo-hippy’ adventures, if you will. Well, since then, A job transfer happened, A room mate happened, Selling my breeding buisness happened, an across state move happened. It threw a wrench in my life. Yup. Thats right, I dont roll with punches well.

We have/had been trying to conceive. Yeah, screw that. I quit. Tried for a year, My hormones are so unbalanced I got frustrated and I quit (for now). Back onto birthcontrol. Hi memory, its nice to have you back! and various other normalities, I missed you!

I put down a deposit on a little Sphynx kitten, Element, I will make post about her here next. She comes home mid october. I am very excited to welcome her to the commune of the .COM.

Fair starts very soon, so my life will get silly crazy fast. and then in a huge whirl wind? It will be over.

I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep.

Lots of internal termoil this past few days. matters of the heart are never easy. Emotions are sticky.

Maybe it will all be clear someday. Maybe I will wake up and know it all. Because right now, I feel like somedays I know more about what I dont believe. Then what I do.

I know I stand for human rights, I know I go against the flow. I know in a facedown about what I believe my thoughts wont change. And I know, that can make one unpopular.

me and my liberal friends I suppose.

PROMPT: top ten expierences in life

PROMPT: List the top ten experiences of your life— top meaning significant. Wondrous. Glorious. Terrible. Illuminating. Demoralizing. Jubilant. Ten, of course, is an arbitrary number. But start there. Think about it for a moment, letting your mind roam free, keeping your pen on the page. There’s no penalty for going beyond ten, but if you do, cut to ten when you review the list. Stop reading now and make your list.

Heffron, Jack (2011-12-15). The Writer’s Idea Book 10th Anniversary Edition: How to Develop Great Ideas for Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, and Screenplays (Kindle Locations 957-960). F+W Media, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

1)Meeting Mack

2) KCRF 2011 my first season

3)Finding myself (still a work in progress!)

4) Getting Jayden

5) Candace Being back in life

6) Getting my first tattoo and first piercing… and every other one since then

7) growing my hair out to the longest its ever been… and still growing

8) Cassie dog

9) Getting our first rental house

10) then finding out we are getting a job transfer and arent even in this house a year

How the Amazon Kindle Changed my life (Prompt)

8:43am 4/28/12

To be a good writer, you have to be a good reader. My mom said her writng teacher told her that. I read often, thanks to my trusty kindle, Buzz Bookyear (He takes me to infinity! and BEYOND!) It makes my life very emcompassed by words. I read words, I speak words, I write words. I enjoy language so much I even infact desire very strongly to retrn to some classes to be an American Sign Language interpreture.
I originally didnt know where this entry would go, its strange how they seem to take shape immediately. you simply just have to sit down and do it and not be critical. Amusing.
Earlier this week a member from my book club, Connie I think, asked how did you ‘Meet’ your Kindle? and how has that effected you an your life?
I had stopped reading about my junior year of highschool (strangly the same time roughly I stopped writing… seems to be a thread there eh?). As I got older I still tried to go by the library but I would never really get my books read, and the library would always send angry letters about how I was LATE! LATE DAMMIT! (They wanted money)
In october of 2011 maybe pushing november? In time for Christmas regardless. Amazon announced and staretd doing commercials for the NEW $79 baby K and the $99 NEW Kindle Touch. Dad mentioned it to me a few times, I saw the commercial a few times. I came home from Slidell, LA (hedgehogs trip) and had one hundred extra dollars. So I decided I would swing by Best Buy (#IABHOREBESTBUY) and grab the kindle touch. So in I go, having to shove off everyone that so I didnt need anything else I just wanted the kindle! THAT IS ALL! I barely escaped with my life.
Little did I know that my dear Buzz would change my life. He introduced me to online book lending, the market of free e-pub books, and book buying at a great price.
My goal on good reads this year is to read 24 books. 2 a month. I am 14% ahead so far. It is certainly not the 125 that Patrica mentioned, but hey, for me? Its perfect.

Ended 8:57

Things that I struggle with (yeah, its kind of sappy)

I struggle with feeling worth, I feel like because I am bad at school, that I can’t have a job of value.

I have issues with people pleasing, I will run myself sick and near death to make someone happy. If I can do ANYTHING (no matter how foolish) to make someone what I think, happy, I will do it. I am a sucker for knowing I am the cause of a smile. Really, its not a good trait. It gets me in trouble.

I hurt when I am told things like “well, if you where skinnier you might be able to…” insert stupid crap here. It hurts to not feel like people think I am attractive (yeah, its shallow, I know). The answer “youre married, it shouldnt matter” sucks as an answer as well.

I want desperatly to be a mom, I know its normal, but I am frustrated with my body (no lectures needed here please and thanks)

I hate that the world makes it near impossible for a woman to stay at home.

I feel like I am a ‘bad person’ often, because I feel like the things I CARE about, are stupid and I should worry about things more important.

Did I mention I am a people pleaser?

I feel like I am not a good enough writer, because I obviously dont have a job as a journalist (my dream job)