I keep your memory, you visit me in my sleep.

Lots of internal termoil this past few days. matters of the heart are never easy. Emotions are sticky.

Maybe it will all be clear someday. Maybe I will wake up and know it all. Because right now, I feel like somedays I know more about what I dont believe. Then what I do.

I know I stand for human rights, I know I go against the flow. I know in a facedown about what I believe my thoughts wont change. And I know, that can make one unpopular.

me and my liberal friends I suppose.

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PTSD & My life (DEEP)

PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Asscociated with anxiety, depression and panic disorders. More commonly affects women then men. Treatment is therapy. You can attempt to medicate. It never goes away, it just lessens. But can be trigged back up at any time.

I have PTSD. When I was 17 my dad attempted suicide. He had many times (4 others) in my life. This time though, he coded and was hospitalized for 72 hours and then released to in patient mental for 3 weeks.

I have always been terrified of being abandoned. My entire life. Its a major personality flaw. If it took physical harm to myself to make someone stay, I would do it. Burn myself? I’d do it. Pour acid on myself? In a heart beat. Just. Dont. Leave.

This event, made my dad ‘leave’ in a sense. I was in therapy for a year and a half after this, 2 times a week for 6 months, 1 time a week the next six. and every other the remaining six. It made things better. But did not unbreak them.

Day to day, I handle my PTSD and Axiety well. (at least I think so)

I dont have common or frequently occuring triggers. But they are always the same.

* If someone I care about wont answer the phone.

* Being told “oh. sorry. I cant say” and having information with held.

* Ambulences or fire trucks headed in the direction of home when I am not there.

Those three. All three relate directly to when I was 17. Dad didnt answer the phone, Someone got to me before mom and said they couldnt tell me, i had to wait for mom. And there was a multitude of emergency vehicles at the house.

When a trigger gets flipped. Its not just a ‘chill the hell out’ It DOESNT work like that. The lack of air. The shaking. The worst case scenario. The vomiting. It. Doesnt. Stop. Until I KNOW it will be okay. Telling me it is, or will be. No. Thats not going to do it. I have to almost physically be there. It is reason to drive until I have no more gas. A reason to want to hurt myself.

Unless you know what its like. You dont understand.

Its a broken in the pit of my gut. A feeling of being shoved into a dark hall. Its physical illness. Its mental torture. Its crying until I cant cry any more.

The reaction is always as strong. Even if its something no big deal, such as, the end result being, the dog had an accident when I was gone.

If I am not there. I am broken.

I am broke.

I dont know how to fix it. It hurts. It cant be fixed.

Its a feeling of hopeless. It wanting to be rejected by everyone. I want to not be loved in those moments of darkness. I want to be told I am horrible and deserve to be treated as such.

When I am not in a panic attack, I dont want these things. When I am rational. I dont want it.

but right now? I am not rational. Right now, I am broke. Right now, I cant puke anymore.

Thankful Tuesday #1

Five things I am thankful for

1) that I know how to make friends

2) that I am outgoing, funny, and an actor

3) That I am a kick ass stand up for what I think person. Sometimes though, that means that I dont win every persons favor.

4) That I have the best husband and house mate ever

5) I can think for myself and have challenged things I have been taught.

Welcome To SOUTH WEST MISSOURI!!! (home of the redneck jokes)

Its over. We have moved. We have internet for the first time in almost 8 months. I have a nice home for the first time in ever. I can decorate. I can host parties. I can call it my home. Hopefully for many years.

I start my new job as Domestic goddess of the home. China can look for jobs soon. Mack is still working back and forth through KC.

I get to hang out with Amanda F. I get to meet Amber and her family.

I get to join a new church, UUA on the menu. I get to make new friends.

I have been given a new chance in a new town. And while i realize its not a START OVER. Its new. I am excited. I am at peace with the choice. The most high powers have smiled upon me.

For that I am very thankful